Words and animals

Animals in words.

You are a leach my friend who sucks me dry.

You are the pest my mother warned me to avoid with talcum powder.

The flea can jump and must be making you irritable for you cannot sit or stand still.

You bug me.

You need to be petted.

I see your vocabulary is limited to sit, stay and roll over.

Some people are annoying and that includes you.

Three dog’s night could sing in the day if you joined them.

Howl for your supper and go hungry.

Tic, Tock and Dough are words that come to mind when I think of you.

You must enjoy slop for it is on your shirt and in your moustache.

Birds of a feather flock together, but you go alone.

If a cat had your tongue he would spit it out.

You are the ultimate canary for you sing every moment of the day.

Do clay pigeons come in the form of pigeons?

Why does the cow moo and the goat baa. Why different strokes for different animals? Should they both moo and baa?

How come the cow is not green? What about a pink lizard?

Where is God?

I am scared that I am going to anger you. But I am confused and need clarification.

I was taught that the Jews were the Chosen People. If so then Jesus being Jewish at birth was a Chosen Person. Then God choose him even more because Jesus is his son. So he is chosen and the Son of God. Was he the Son of God when he was born in a manger? Did God get Mary pregnant miraculously and was Joseph therefore just a figurehead? How old was Joseph anyway? I read he was an old man. Did Mary recognize Jesus as the Son of God right away? Did he do any miracle like things as a baby? Like double the milk from a goat?

So Jesus is the Son of God and Chosen and therefore since the Jews are the Chosen People then all those going into Christianity are Chosen and by proxy join the Jewish group. Like I wrote, I am confused?

Now for the second problem I have which will send me to hell.

Heaven. Is it reserved only for those who recognize Jesus as the Savior? If so where do Jews go? We do not even have our own little section, like Condos on Cloud Nine. Do we have third level strat clouds or what?

I am really trying to understand. A man is evil but he is absolved from the evil if he recognizes Jesus, even if at the last moment. He therefore can go to heaven and God will forgive him.

But the Jew does not recognize Jesus and therefore even if he led a good life will be barred from Heaven because he does not see Jesus as his Savior.

I am trying to be like Spock and using Logic resolve these questions. Please someone give me some knowledge. I am not trying to convert, just understand.

Tortured thoughts and puns

The new industry in Colorado is pot pourri which is aromatic pot hung on the wall.

Pot luck takes on a new meaning.

Pottage is the putting of pot into containers.

Pot head is a girl on pot doing you know what.

Portable radios do not make sense because there is no port.

When a port closes is it an ex port?

Are airports filled with air?

In Forbidden Planet what is forbidden?

Do deaf people do signing and make posters?

Can Tea be for more than two?

Can a brew ski be tea?

Can you give a subway token as a token of appreciation?

Three men are trying to outdo each other. One lights his cigar with a hundred dollar bill. The second uses a thousand dollar bill. The third wants to do better. He writes a check for a million and lights his cigar.

Can animals mimic? A cat making a dog bark? A monkey peeling a banana and saying yummy.

If a conductor conducts a symphony can he also drive a train?

Did Lionel the train maker make training bras?

Is Leigh high and Asian?

There are artificial legs, arms and other body parts. Hair can be replaced. Soon reproductive organs will be manufactured. The only question is what kind of music will they play?

Can one drink a brew ski while skiing?

The Annoying Wife

My Wife is Annoying

My wife annoys me when she says I cannot drink soda,

It has sugar, aerated water and is not good for you.

My wife is annoying when she condemns sandwiches with meat,

They are filled with nitrates, fillers, and other poisons that are not good for you.

My wife is annoying when she made me quite smoking my pipe,

You have asthma and you need to stop bringing crap into your lungs.

My wife is extremely annoying when she made me give up cheese,

I use to love the stuff but she says it has too much cholesterol and salt.

My wife annoys me by making me take walks and doing some exercises,

The body needs to be stretched and you need you need to work on circulation.

Because of my wife I probably will live longer.

Her annoying is because she loves me and wants me around.

For that reason she can be annoying as she wants.

And I thank her.

Coming home, brave warrior.

The war is done for you, yet it did not stop.

Your helmet is off, you mop the hair on top.

Your eyes glisten with sweat and fright,

You have done the honorable thing to do and fight.

You have protected those home so they can live their lives,

You have spent the last period of time with brave guys,

The stress was brutal and the days went slow,

It was if your body was hit constantly by a large blow.

You have teared up and wiped the invisible tear,

You have told yourself to man up and conquer the fear,

But now the orders came and you are allowed to go home,

You look at your comrades and in the back of your mind there is a moan,

How can you leave those with whom you shared the nightmare?

How can you say goodbye to those with whom you shared a tear?

But to the States you must go because Uncle Sam has so ordered it.

You no longer are a soldier, you have been cancelled, no longer fit.

Your body is wracked with pain and fatigue,

You are now alone and not part of the league.

You have lost a limb and declared unfit.

You were told you have done enough, you take the hit.

Yet the mind still plagues you and you feel wrong,

It is hard for you to accept the swan song.

Every war is the same for those who survive the battles,

You have lingering thoughts to put on the saddles,

But the alarm does not ring and the lights of the arena are off,

Your hard body is hurt and your brain goes mushy and soft.

Rehab and Rehabilitation are now the words of the day,

The dreams of pain are all that remains of the deployment stay.

Good warrior accept the fact that it is over and a new day has dawned,

Say goodbye to the war and those things that you mourn.

And yet you cannot!

Puns for the holidays

Can a bay window face the ocean? Would it therefore be an ocean window?

If a Moor docked a boat, would it be a Moor mooring the boat?

Does Pearl wear pearls?

Does Rosy necessarily have rosy cheeks?

Why do people have dual cheeks on their faces and on their rumps?

Does Simple Simon have simple solutions for complex issues?

If I have a golden moment, how come I do not get richer?

Did Midas ever get change for Gold?

Midas loved Golden’s Mustard.

Why is it called service? What does it have to do with vice? Are Vice Presidents involved with vice operations?

We call knifes and forks silver ware but they are made of elements that are not silver.

We get rewarded for our labors. Moms with babies and others with hernias.

Iceland is the land of ice. Are the people named Ice Man and Ice Woman? A long time ago I had a girl friend who gave me the cold shoulder and was mostly a frigid lady who eventually let go because I could not deice her.

Do Ravens have raven hair under their feathers?

Birds of a feather flock together, or do they?

A bird in hand could be a turkey and we all know where the hand is while stuffing it.

Gross can be gross.

Can a sample be ample?

Our Cats

Do cats have personalities and therefore react different in different situations,

Do they understand when called and calculate what you are doing, do they have temptations.

Do the treats you feed them change the way they react to you, is there a semblance of love,

There seems to be two types of cats those who lie around on the ground and those who hang out above.

We have five cats left that are in our care but they all seem as different as slices of pie.

Some seem aloof, some are frisky and some act like they are in the act of a sigh.

Gone now are Purry and Murray, both black as the night, we miss their meows at night.

Gone is Mr. Meow Meow, died of some kind of disease and passed in his sleep,

Gone is Baby from age, she walked on delicate feet.

Left is Morris, the smartest cat I have ever seen,

There is Jules, a Turkish Van who is smart as a Waco bean.

Whitey is scared of everything in sight,

And last is Bad Kitty who is always up for a fight.

My wife is the cat lover who tends to these beasts,

My job is opening the cans of cat food for their feasts.

Grooming and petting is the daily grind,

A meow or purr is the thing we love, the contentment sign.